To the girl that doesn't have feelings for me, I'm sorry that I got feelings, and I'm sorry if I made you feel badly for the condition I'm in right now. It's really not your fault. I was falling for you hard, and there isn't anything I can do about that. As I lay here in bed writing this, I wonder if you will even notice my absence in your stressful weekly ritual. I'm not going to hang around waiting for you to be ready, but if you ever decide you want a relationship, I would like to try...
I have been seeing a new girl the past several weeks that I'm really into. I thought maybe the feelings were mutual, but I'm becoming all too aware of the fact that they were never mutual. It's ok, though. I don't blame her at all. Feelings are feelings and if someone doesn't have any for you, you can't blame them. That's just the way we were made. If the guy/gal you are interested in isn't interested in you, then you shouldn't waste your time or feelings in my opinion. It's easier said than done, because obviously, you know, feelings...but nevertheless, don't waste your time. You don't want someone half-assing a relationship with you, do you?
She is a wicked pretty, smart, and witty girl and I'm jealous of the guy that wins her over.
The last several meetings with her have been a bit weird with the coming's and going's. The awkward kisses here and there, and forced hugs started to have me fear for the worst. Even while studying at the library today, I went as far as inviting her to go to the pumpkin patch and hiking with me. She wouldn't really give me a clear answer.
So when I got her back to the apartment, I went ahead and asked her if she was ok with me holding her hand while we were out and about. I felt like this was a fair question to ask to ease into the "what are we?" question. She also seemed like she was turned off the couple of times we held hands, so that's why I asked. I heard the words no guy ever wants to hear. "Well, it just kinda confuses me because we aren't in a relationship. I like you, I just don't think romantically." She wanted other things that I no longer desire because I wanted more than that with her. I have numbers in my phone for booty calls if I really want the sex, but numbers are all they are to me. The reason I had been trying so hard to impress her was because I liked her for so much more than that.
I fed her my leftover Jack Mac and Cheese and drove her back to campus. I didn't get out of the car for a hug and I didn't get out to say goodbye. It isn't that I didn't want to, it's because I would have lost myself right there. I couldn't bear one more of those awkward attempts at a hug or kiss because I knew why it didn't feel right. I unsuccessfully fought back tears the whole way home.
We were supposed to see each other Thursday, but I don't have that in me anymore. My parents invited me home a week ago to get away from campus and to see my silly cat, and foolishly I had originally told them to wait to see what the girl I was seeing wanted to do with me this weekend. It's Halloween and Homecoming weekend at JMU, and I'm honestly looking forward to driving home as soon as I can on Friday and leaving all of those festivities in my rear view mirror. I don't give a rip about the parties and drinking and all that happy horse shit. Hell, I may even leave Thursday if I can. I apologize to my parents for putting them on hold for someone who doesn't love me like I know they do. That's more fucked up the more and more I think about it. I'll be home Mom & Dad, no worries.
It has just been a bad week with my relationships with friends and the girl. Or, I suppose, lack thereof. I broke off two (what I thought were) really good friendships last week. They were mutual friends of an ex girlfriend. They picked sides and were weirded out by our breakup and I don't know why since all that happened was that I lost feelings. If you are to take something away from these last few sentences, I think it should be that good friends are hard to come by. They are even harder to come by when you are more of a private person when it comes to granting the privilege of friendship to someone.
I definitely feel broken right now. The only thing that's keeping me going is my schedule at school and at work. I'm working out and getting into shape, and learning how to cook, but that's really all I have going for me at this point. School, gym, and cooking. Damn.
I think in my last post I had said something along the lines of never having felt heart break. I found out this week what unrequited love feels like. I have never felt anything like it before to be completely honest. It's a pretty sick feeling to have pestering you on a day-to-day basis. I talked to a card collecting buddy of mine recently and he gave me some good advice moving forward. I need to make myself happy and feel comfortable in my own shoes before I even think about hitting the dating scene again. That might take a while, but what's the rush, right?
Anyway, this week hasn't been all bad. Although, I did get my first parking ticket at JMU yesterday. That was a nice surprise after finding out I got an A on my second accounting exam... Twenty-five dollars down the drain. Thanks for pissing on my party, parking services. I also got some weird radio transmitter auxiliary cord that allows me to play music in the car from my phone. Thank goodness I don't have to listen to any more garbage Harrisonburg radio. (How does a 2013 Xterra NOT have a jack for a cord??) I should be having fun with that, and the new boxing gloves I got.
Next week I was thinking about taking a day trip out to the mountains and hiking Old Rag Mountain. I have asked some friends what their plans are looking like, and so far no takers on a hiking buddy, so I may just end up taking that trip by myself. No problem with that other than serial killers, right?
I have a pile of homework that is calling my name now, so I had best get cracking. Here's to better days, good grades, and a Cubs 2016 World Series Championship!